You can't special order awesome
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
