I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
