Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
