it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
