i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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