I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
