I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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