in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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