GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
