i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
