if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
