When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have aggressive nipples.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
