I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
