You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
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Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after