Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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