we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
