When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
