last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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