just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
