Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
