I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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