So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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