Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
