You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
