Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
