Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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