you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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