And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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