every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
