I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
