I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
