I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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