no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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