so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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