i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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