why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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