chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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