Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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