The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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