textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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