Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
