birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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