when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
