What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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