so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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