There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
