How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
