My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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