Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
