shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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