did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
