I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
