I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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