I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
