having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
