I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
