I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And then my night got REAL pukey
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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